In an alternate universe with cancer / Kanserli Paralel Evrende

Surgery So the chemo ended. Then there was the MRI. It turned out the tumor is almost undetectable. The surgeon's exam yielded the same, there was no apparent tumor. I was ecstatic with joy. They told me that it is not yet clear if they would have to do a total mastectomy. During the surgery they would send tissues to the lab and see if they need to remove all of the breast or only part of it. I was ok with both options as long as I get rid of it in the end. In fact I spent my days prior to the surgery thinking about this, testing myself, preparing myself to lose one of my breasts after I wake up. I didn't even think of the severity of the operation itself. Maybe it was better that way, I could do nothing by worrying. Since they had found a nodule in my thyroid during my scans for breast cancer, they decided to remove my thyroid as well in the same operation. So I was there on the table, the only pain so far was due to my veins being too tough and they had to try over and

Road ahead / Onumdeki yol (Turkce altta) I had my last chemo this Tuesday. I cannot express the intensity of joy I am still feeling. Right now I think what can measure up to this can only be my first clean scan. Soon I will be feeling like a normal person again, I think I forgot how it feels. Even if the side effects I experienced were probably moderate, still it was always there: this feeling of a chemical, sort of grinding your bones and wearing you out. I am glad it is all past now. The oncologist said I should get an MRI, so next Monday will determine how chemo has affected the tumor. I hope I will not get scanxiety, I am trying not to think about it since there is nothing I can do. After that, they will schedule me for an operation, but I guess the MRI will be a decision tool on the scale of the operation. We will see, I feel prepared for all options but I guess there is no such preparation to prevent the sad feelings that may overflow once I actually hear the doctor say them.

Chemobrain / Kemo kafasi (Turkce altta) The doctor had said it: You may find it harder to focus or concentrate. It didn't bother me at the time. I was already very easily distracted, yet, who isn't these days? There is a constant flow of incoming information, even if you mute all the notifications, it is somewhere at the back of your brain. You need to check your phone! It becomes an overwhelming habit, and when you realize what it has become, the fight begins. I try not to check my phone very frequently but I think about that too, so I am distracted either way, just the duration of the distraction became much shorter. Anyways, I was already unsatisfied by my lack of focus especially while I'm reading a book, watching a movie or in a concert. I would catch myself thinking completely irrelevant things. I was never in the moment. I was doing things that I thought I would enjoy but couldn't enjoy them because I was simply not there. My mind was wandering in the worries

Psychologist / Psikolog (Turkce altta) I had an appointment with the psychologist today. I had my doubts, because years ago I had been to one and hated the experience. I always resisted the idea ever since. However, with all that's going on with my life, and as a result of my friends' critisism of my prejudice, I thought I should try once more. I have been to a psychiatrist who prescribed an antidepressant for my mild depression and xanax for my sleeplessness. But I knew my physiological reactions were rooted back to many years of painful experiences and memories related to cancer in my family. The 1.5 hour session flew by. Mostly I talked, with the psychologist asking questions from time to time. It was good to even try to figure out what really makes me scared, and how I define being "healed" or "normal".Trying to discover the root cause of your fears may be very trivial but I am surprised when I discovered I hadn't thought about it. Once you ide

An inch of cheer / 1 cm' lik sevinc (Turkce altta) I was going to wash my face when I noticed it. I had pulled my hair back (I mean the wig's hair) a bit further than usual, that's how I saw it. I had sideburns??!! I used to be bald in all those areas for months. My chemotherapy hadn't finished, so I thought ok, I don't know but this should be a false reflection. Slowly, I started opening up the wig's stickers, there it was: I had hair!! It is very short and soft and a lot of it is white, but I don't care! It felt like the disease was gone and I beat it. I wasn't aware that back in my mind, I had associated the hair with being sick, I thought I was pretty cool and accepting about the whole hair issue. But when I started crying with joy, I think for the second time all my life, I realized how important it was to me. I think a big part of it was because it came as a total surprise. I was not expecting to see any hair at all until about a month after th

Chemotherapy (2) /  Kemoterapi  (2) -  Turkce   altta Before the chemotherapy started I was really curious about how bad it will affect me, so I wanted to share my experience in more detail especially regarding my physical condition. Please keep in mind that we are different in all sorts of ways and our experiences may be very different than one another, but still it made me feel good to hear other people's experiences so that I could prepare myself better.  My first drug was given every two weeks as I had explained in my previous post. I felt nothing during the time drugs were given, except for a severe pain in my sinuses during the last 10 minutes. It would go away in 20 minutes without taking any medicine for it. The doctor had prescribed a strong antiemetic for 3 days starting on the day of chemo. If that does not prevent the nausea, other  antiemetics  were available, and they all worked fine. I usually had sleepless nights in the first days of each cycle, sometimes p