Chemotherapy / Kemoterapi
Chemotherapy / Kemoterapi (Turkce altta)
My whole world collapsed when I heard the doctor say the word. It was associated with so many bad memories, it meant being weak and in pain, and worst of all being in need. I was brought up and also grew to be very self sustained; I was strong and could do whatever I want without asking anybody's help. It took me a while to understand that it's ok to ask someone do something for you. I never dreaded when a friend or family asked me to do something but somehow this was very hard for me to overcome. Certainly chemotherapy helped :)
First of all, it was not (and still is not- 4 months over,1 more to go) as bad as I thought it would be. I spent few days in bed, I cannot say I functioned normally on the rest, but it is ok. You just learn your new limits, and those limits are not very restricting. I cannot go out running as I used to, I walk instead or I plan more coffee breaks when I am out and try not to wear myself out.
My treatment consists of a combination of two different drugs, first one took 2 months and they gave it every 2 weeks. Second one will take 3 months and it is every week. In the first two months, I think although the drug was powerful (they also gave me injections for keeping up the blood count during these months) my body was also powerful. I could endure, and the nausea and pain remedies were working fine. But you learn to listen to your body, and stop doing whatever is causing you to feel worse. Now, I've got only 4 doses left out of 16, my endurance diminished, I have lower energy but still doing ok. I am active but careful. Sometimes too careful maybe. But you cannot blame me for my fear of cold after a whole day spent in bed:)
And the hair business.. Yes it is frustrating but not as much as some people some people try to take advantage of. I chose to wear a wig, and draw my eyebrows, since I knew from the beginning that seeing myself with no hair and no eyebrows would automatically make me feel sick although I feel ok physically. So I tried to look normal and feel normal. I wish I didn't need the wig for that, some people don't, and I respect that. The deal with wigs; there are salons claiming they have the best, and they are so professional that you don't even have to see your bald head while they put the wig on you. So they have the right to ask you tons of money because they "understand" you. I went with a more moderate version, I have no problem of seeing my bald head and hated the idea of people commercializing on such fear. Anyways, I am semi-comfortable with it but still counting the days I'll be able to take it off, maybe sooner than waiting for the hair to re-grow, we will see.
I can go on pages and pages about chemo, and maybe will, but this is it for now.
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Doktor kemoterapi dediginde dunya basima yikilmisti. Gozumde bir cok kotu ani canlandi, kemoterapi aci ve zayiflik demekti ve en kotusu baskalarina muhtac olacaktim. Hep kendi kendime yetebilme, kimseye muhtac olmama, guclu olma sloganlari ile yetistirildim, bir sekilde oyle de oldum. Birinden benim icin bir sey yapmasini istemenin kotu bir sey olmadigini ogrenmem zaman aldi. Oysa bir arkadasim ya da ailemden biri benden birsey istediginde bana hic bir zaman zor gelmiyordu. Ama bir sekilde bunu asmam zor oldu. Kemoterapi sagolsun :)
Herseyden once, bekledigim kadar kotu gitmedi. Su an 4 ayi geride biraktim ve 1 ayim kaldi. Tum gunu yatakta gecirdigim sayili gunum oldu, kalaninda tamamen normal hayatima devam ettim diyemem ama kotu degildim. Yeni sinirlarimi ogrendim, ve bu sinirlar o kadar kisitlayici degil. Eskiden kosuya cikardim, simdi yuruyuse cikiyorum veya disari ciktigimda daha fazla mola veriyorum, hepsi bu.
Tedavimde 2 farkli ilac kullaniyorlar. Ilki 2 ay surdu ve iki haftada bir verildi. Ikincisi 3 ay surecek ve her hafta veriliyor. Ilk 2 ay boyunca kan degerlerimi normal tutmak icin igne de yapmam gerekti, ama bunyem gucluydu, dayanabiliyordum, mide bulantisi ve agri icin ilaclar da ise yariyordu. Tabi kendimi daha cok dinlemeyi ogrendim, kendimi kotu hissettiren seylerden uzak durdum. Toplamda 16 kez alacagim ilaclardan geriye 4'u kaldi. Dayanikliligim biraz azaldi ve ilk baslara gore daha az enerjim var, yine de iyiyim. Aktif fakat dikkatli sekilde hayatima devam ediyorum. Dikkat konusunda bazen abartiyor olabilirim. Ama yatakta gecirilen bir gunden sonra soguk alginligindan korkmaya hakkim da var bence.
Sac meselesine gelirsek.. Kesinlikle moral bozucu ama bazi insanlarin bundan yarar saglamaya calistigi kadar degil. Ben secimimi peruktan yana kullandim, kaslarimi da kalemle ciziyorum. Basindan beri kendimi sacsiz ve kassiz gormenin fiziksel olarak iyi olsam da bana hasta hissettirecegini dusundum. Bazi insanlarin iyi hissetmek icin peruga ihtiyaci yok ve buna saygi duyuyorum, keske benim de olmasaydi. En iyi oldugunu iddia eden bazi perukcular profesyonelliklerini "istemezseniz aynayi kapatiyoruz, hic bir zaman kendinizi gormuyorsunuz" diye tanimliyorlar. Sizi "anliyorlar" o yuzden 5-6 ay takacaginiz bir peruga araba parasi isteyebiliyorlar. Ben daha ortalama bir peruk aldim, kendimi kel gormekle bir problemim yok. Insanlarin bu korkusunu ticaret araci yapmalarindan da tiksindim. Peruk cok rahatsiz etmiyor, ama yine de cikaracagim gunleri dort gozle bekliyorum. Belki tedavi bitiminde sacimin cikmasini beklemeden cikaririm, gorecegiz.
Kemoterapi ile ilgili sayfalarca yazabilirim, hatta yazarim belki de, ama simdilik bu kadar.
My whole world collapsed when I heard the doctor say the word. It was associated with so many bad memories, it meant being weak and in pain, and worst of all being in need. I was brought up and also grew to be very self sustained; I was strong and could do whatever I want without asking anybody's help. It took me a while to understand that it's ok to ask someone do something for you. I never dreaded when a friend or family asked me to do something but somehow this was very hard for me to overcome. Certainly chemotherapy helped :)
First of all, it was not (and still is not- 4 months over,1 more to go) as bad as I thought it would be. I spent few days in bed, I cannot say I functioned normally on the rest, but it is ok. You just learn your new limits, and those limits are not very restricting. I cannot go out running as I used to, I walk instead or I plan more coffee breaks when I am out and try not to wear myself out.
My treatment consists of a combination of two different drugs, first one took 2 months and they gave it every 2 weeks. Second one will take 3 months and it is every week. In the first two months, I think although the drug was powerful (they also gave me injections for keeping up the blood count during these months) my body was also powerful. I could endure, and the nausea and pain remedies were working fine. But you learn to listen to your body, and stop doing whatever is causing you to feel worse. Now, I've got only 4 doses left out of 16, my endurance diminished, I have lower energy but still doing ok. I am active but careful. Sometimes too careful maybe. But you cannot blame me for my fear of cold after a whole day spent in bed:)
And the hair business.. Yes it is frustrating but not as much as some people some people try to take advantage of. I chose to wear a wig, and draw my eyebrows, since I knew from the beginning that seeing myself with no hair and no eyebrows would automatically make me feel sick although I feel ok physically. So I tried to look normal and feel normal. I wish I didn't need the wig for that, some people don't, and I respect that. The deal with wigs; there are salons claiming they have the best, and they are so professional that you don't even have to see your bald head while they put the wig on you. So they have the right to ask you tons of money because they "understand" you. I went with a more moderate version, I have no problem of seeing my bald head and hated the idea of people commercializing on such fear. Anyways, I am semi-comfortable with it but still counting the days I'll be able to take it off, maybe sooner than waiting for the hair to re-grow, we will see.
I can go on pages and pages about chemo, and maybe will, but this is it for now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doktor kemoterapi dediginde dunya basima yikilmisti. Gozumde bir cok kotu ani canlandi, kemoterapi aci ve zayiflik demekti ve en kotusu baskalarina muhtac olacaktim. Hep kendi kendime yetebilme, kimseye muhtac olmama, guclu olma sloganlari ile yetistirildim, bir sekilde oyle de oldum. Birinden benim icin bir sey yapmasini istemenin kotu bir sey olmadigini ogrenmem zaman aldi. Oysa bir arkadasim ya da ailemden biri benden birsey istediginde bana hic bir zaman zor gelmiyordu. Ama bir sekilde bunu asmam zor oldu. Kemoterapi sagolsun :)
Herseyden once, bekledigim kadar kotu gitmedi. Su an 4 ayi geride biraktim ve 1 ayim kaldi. Tum gunu yatakta gecirdigim sayili gunum oldu, kalaninda tamamen normal hayatima devam ettim diyemem ama kotu degildim. Yeni sinirlarimi ogrendim, ve bu sinirlar o kadar kisitlayici degil. Eskiden kosuya cikardim, simdi yuruyuse cikiyorum veya disari ciktigimda daha fazla mola veriyorum, hepsi bu.
Tedavimde 2 farkli ilac kullaniyorlar. Ilki 2 ay surdu ve iki haftada bir verildi. Ikincisi 3 ay surecek ve her hafta veriliyor. Ilk 2 ay boyunca kan degerlerimi normal tutmak icin igne de yapmam gerekti, ama bunyem gucluydu, dayanabiliyordum, mide bulantisi ve agri icin ilaclar da ise yariyordu. Tabi kendimi daha cok dinlemeyi ogrendim, kendimi kotu hissettiren seylerden uzak durdum. Toplamda 16 kez alacagim ilaclardan geriye 4'u kaldi. Dayanikliligim biraz azaldi ve ilk baslara gore daha az enerjim var, yine de iyiyim. Aktif fakat dikkatli sekilde hayatima devam ediyorum. Dikkat konusunda bazen abartiyor olabilirim. Ama yatakta gecirilen bir gunden sonra soguk alginligindan korkmaya hakkim da var bence.
Sac meselesine gelirsek.. Kesinlikle moral bozucu ama bazi insanlarin bundan yarar saglamaya calistigi kadar degil. Ben secimimi peruktan yana kullandim, kaslarimi da kalemle ciziyorum. Basindan beri kendimi sacsiz ve kassiz gormenin fiziksel olarak iyi olsam da bana hasta hissettirecegini dusundum. Bazi insanlarin iyi hissetmek icin peruga ihtiyaci yok ve buna saygi duyuyorum, keske benim de olmasaydi. En iyi oldugunu iddia eden bazi perukcular profesyonelliklerini "istemezseniz aynayi kapatiyoruz, hic bir zaman kendinizi gormuyorsunuz" diye tanimliyorlar. Sizi "anliyorlar" o yuzden 5-6 ay takacaginiz bir peruga araba parasi isteyebiliyorlar. Ben daha ortalama bir peruk aldim, kendimi kel gormekle bir problemim yok. Insanlarin bu korkusunu ticaret araci yapmalarindan da tiksindim. Peruk cok rahatsiz etmiyor, ama yine de cikaracagim gunleri dort gozle bekliyorum. Belki tedavi bitiminde sacimin cikmasini beklemeden cikaririm, gorecegiz.
Kemoterapi ile ilgili sayfalarca yazabilirim, hatta yazarim belki de, ama simdilik bu kadar.
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