Psychologist / Psikolog

-
Psychologist / Psikolog (Turkce altta)

I had an appointment with the psychologist today. I had my doubts, because years ago I had been to one and hated the experience. I always resisted the idea ever since. However, with all that's going on with my life, and as a result of my friends' critisism of my prejudice, I thought I should try once more.

I have been to a psychiatrist who prescribed an antidepressant for my mild depression and xanax for my sleeplessness. But I knew my physiological reactions were rooted back to many years of painful experiences and memories related to cancer in my family.

The 1.5 hour session flew by. Mostly I talked, with the psychologist asking questions from time to time. It was good to even try to figure out what really makes me scared, and how I define being "healed" or "normal".Trying to discover the root cause of your fears may be very trivial but I am surprised when I discovered I hadn't thought about it. Once you identify what may be the cause, you begin to realize if you can or cannot control the outcomes or in other words if you can fight with them and there comes a moment of relief. I guess I was just in fear - I should admit I still am - in excess about things I should just be worried about maybe. The intensity should have been at the level of "worry" not "fear". I have been overreacting without knowing my enemy-the real thing I was running from.

I hope I can discover more further through the sessions. I am glad that I didn't give in to my stubborn thoughts that this practice was useless.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bugun psikologla randevum vardi. Acikcasi gitmemek icin cok direndim. Yillar once denemis ve nefret etmistim. Hayatimda tum bu olup bitenler ve arkadaslarimin psikolog onyargimi elestirmesiyle birlikte bir kez daha denemeye karar verdim.

Psikiyatriste zaten gitmistim. Hafif depresyon teshisiyle antidepresan ve uykusuzluk cektigim icin xanax kullanmaya basladim. Ama yasadigim fizyolojik tepkilerin kaynaginin ailemde yillarca savastigimiz kanser hikayeleri ve bunlarla ikgili kotu anilar oldugunu dusunuyordum.

1,5 saatlik seans hemen bitiverdi. Psikolog arada sorular sordu ama cogunlukla ben konustum. Neden korktugumu anlamaya calismak veya kendimi ne olunca veya nasil hissedince "iyilesmis" ya da "normal" olacagimi dusunmek bile iyi geldi. Korkularinizin esas nedenini kesfetmek cok basit ve bahsetmeye deger degil gibi gelebilir, ben de daha onceden dusunmemis olduguma cok sasirdim. Nedeni dusunmeye basladiginizda sonuclari kontrol edip edemeyeceginizi ya da baska bir deyisle bu nedenle savasip savasamayacaginizi anlamaya basliyorsunuz. Iste o anda bir rahatlama geliyor. Sanirim sadece endiseli olmam gereken seyler karsisinda ben korku icindeydim - hala da icindeyim. Hislerimin siddeti "korku" degil "endise" olmaliydi. Neyle savastigimi, neden korktugumu bile bilmeden abartili bir tepki veriyordum.

Umarim ilerleyen seanslarda cok daha fazlasini kesfederim. Iyi ki bu bilmin yararsiz oldugu gibi inatci fikirlerimde diretmemisim.



Yorumlar

Yorum Gönder

Bu blogdaki popüler yayınlar

Chemobrain / Kemo kafasi

-
Chemobrain / Kemo kafasi (Turkce altta) The doctor had said it: You may find it harder to focus or concentrate. It didn't bother me at the time. I was already very easily distracted, yet, who isn't these days? There is a constant flow of incoming information, even if you mute all the notifications, it is somewhere at the back of your brain. You need to check your phone! It becomes an overwhelming habit, and when you realize what it has become, the fight begins. I try not to check my phone very frequently but I think about that too, so I am distracted either way, just the duration of the distraction became much shorter. Anyways, I was already unsatisfied by my lack of focus especially while I'm reading a book, watching a movie or in a concert. I would catch myself thinking completely irrelevant things. I was never in the moment. I was doing things that I thought I would enjoy but couldn't enjoy them because I was simply not there. My mind was wandering in the worries
Devamı

Chemotherapy / Kemoterapi

-
Chemotherapy / Kemoterapi (Turkce altta) My whole world collapsed when I heard the doctor say the word. It was associated with so many bad memories, it meant being weak and in pain, and worst of all being in need. I was brought up and also grew to be very self sustained; I was strong and could do whatever I want without asking anybody's help. It took me a while to understand that it's ok to ask someone do something for you. I never dreaded when a friend or family asked me to do something but somehow this was very hard for me to overcome. Certainly chemotherapy helped :) First of all, it was not (and still is not- 4 months over,1 more to go) as bad as I thought it would be. I spent few days in bed, I cannot say I functioned normally on the rest, but it is ok. You just learn your new limits, and those limits are not very restricting. I cannot go out running as I used to, I walk instead or I plan more coffee breaks when I am out and try not to wear myself out. My treatment c
Devamı

Surgery

-
Surgery So the chemo ended. Then there was the MRI. It turned out the tumor is almost undetectable. The surgeon's exam yielded the same, there was no apparent tumor. I was ecstatic with joy. They told me that it is not yet clear if they would have to do a total mastectomy. During the surgery they would send tissues to the lab and see if they need to remove all of the breast or only part of it. I was ok with both options as long as I get rid of it in the end. In fact I spent my days prior to the surgery thinking about this, testing myself, preparing myself to lose one of my breasts after I wake up. I didn't even think of the severity of the operation itself. Maybe it was better that way, I could do nothing by worrying. Since they had found a nodule in my thyroid during my scans for breast cancer, they decided to remove my thyroid as well in the same operation. So I was there on the table, the only pain so far was due to my veins being too tough and they had to try over and
Devamı