Regrets / Pismanliklar

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Regrets / Pismanliklar (Turkce altta)

The night I found the lump on my breast, I couldn't sleep and made the earliest appointment I could find with a specialist in the morning. I spent that night torturing myself about all the things I had and hadn't done. Here's a quick summary of my why's:

-Why didn't i quit my job knowing it stressed me out so much?
-Why did I put up with people knowing that they hurt and will hurt me more until they hurt me more?
-Why do i always get along ok, is it because i really have no preferences or is it due to my everlasting quest for pleasing people?
-Why did I drink so much alcohol?
-Why didn't I get psychological help?
-Why didn't I take more time off?
-Why did I push myself to limits that much? Both physically and psychologically

I know the list may change for each and everyone of you. But I guess mine boils down to awareness. I was simply unaware, and by the time I was, it was sort of late. I am not saying you should all do/don't do these if you want to lead a healthy life. But it's a matter of how much strain you can actually handle:Why don't you stop for a moment and think about what bothers you, are you on some edge or do you feel fulfilled? Should you really put yourself under that much pressure, is it necessary? What makes you happy, and does your current level of stress justify your current level of happiness? We all get carried in the sameness of our daily marathone, feeling constantly inadequate to keep up, we may need to take a breath and check where we are actually headed.

These, I think I should have done myself much earlier.
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Gogsumdeki kitleyi ilk hissettigim aksam uyuyamadim. Sabah icin bulabildigim en erken randevu saatini veren uzmandan randevu aldim. Gece boyunca onu yapmasaydim sunu yapsaydim diye kendimi yedim bitirdim. Kendi kendime "Niye" diye sordugum sorularin bir ozeti:
-Bana bu kadar stres kaynagi oldugunu bilmeme ragmen niye isimi birakmadim?
-Insanlarin beni uzdugunu ve hatta daha fazla da uzecegini bilmeme ragmen niye beni daha cok uzecekleri gune kadar onlara katlandim?
-Niye hep hersey benim icin tamam ve olur ve farketmez, gercekten tercihlerim mi yok yoksa bu bitmek bilmeyen insanlari memnun etme cabam yuzunden mi?
-Niye cok alkol ictim?
-Niye psikolojik yardim almadim?
-Niye isten daha cok izin almadim, kendime daha cok vakit ayirmadim?
-Niye kendimi hem fiziksel hem de psikolojik olarak bu kadar zorladim, test ettim?

Biliyorum liste herkes icin degisir. Ama sanirim benim listemdeki Niye ler "farkindalik" diye bagiriyor. Farkinda degildim, oldugumda ise biraz gec olmustu. Soylemek istedigim saglikli yasamak istiyorsaniz yukaridakileri yapin/yapmayin degil. Ama ne kadar yuk kaldirabileceginizi bilin: 2 dk durup sizi neyin rahatsiz ettigini dusunun, acaba bir esige mi geldiniz ya da kendinizi tam ve tatmin olmus hissediyor musunuz? Kendinizi bu kadar stres altina itmeli misiniz, gercekten gerekli mi? Sizi ne mutlu ediyor, su anki stres seviyeniz mutluluk seviyenize deger mi? Hepimiz gunluk yasam maratonumuzun ayniliginda surekli bir yetersizlik hissiyle savrulup gidiyoruz ama belki de bir nefes alip neye kostugumuzdan emin olmak iyi olabilir.

Iste bunlari keske ben de yapabilseymisim.

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