An inch of cheer / 1 cm'lik sevinc

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An inch of cheer / 1 cm' lik sevinc (Turkce altta)

I was going to wash my face when I noticed it. I had pulled my hair back (I mean the wig's hair) a bit further than usual, that's how I saw it. I had sideburns??!! I used to be bald in all those areas for months. My chemotherapy hadn't finished, so I thought ok, I don't know but this should be a false reflection. Slowly, I started opening up the wig's stickers, there it was: I had hair!! It is very short and soft and a lot of it is white, but I don't care! It felt like the disease was gone and I beat it. I wasn't aware that back in my mind, I had associated the hair with being sick, I thought I was pretty cool and accepting about the whole hair issue. But when I started crying with joy, I think for the second time all my life, I realized how important it was to me.

I think a big part of it was because it came as a total surprise. I was not expecting to see any hair at all until about a month after the chemo is over. I was anxious to take off the wig but I was not brave enough to do so with a totally bald head and no eyebrows. It made me feel I was sick although I wasn't actually feeling sick.

Now I put the wig aside and have been staring at my reflection on any mirror like object I see. I am embracing the curious stares. I simply don't care. I feel strong, it should help with the progress of the treatment.

I have 2 more chemos left. I am counting days..
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Her sabah yaptigim gibi yuzumu yikamak icin perugun saclarini tokayla geride tutturdum. Sanirim normalden biraz daha geriye cekmisim, gozlerime inanamadim. Favorilerim vardi!!! Aylardir o bolgeler tamamen sacsizdi. Kemoterapim daha bitmemisti o yuzden bir yanlislik var yansima goruyorum herhalde dedim. Yavas yavas perugun yapiskanlarini sokmeye basladim; evet oradaydi, sacim vardi. Cok kisa, yumusacik ve cogu beyaz ama umrumda degil! Sanki hastaligi yenmisim gibi hissettim. Sac meselesine cok takilmadigimi dusunuyordum ama kafamin bir yerinde megerse saci hastalikla oldukca iliskilendirmisim. Hayatimda sanirim 2. kez sevincten aglamaya baslayinca benim icin aslinda buyuk mesele oldugunun farkina vardim.

Bu sevincin buyuk kismi aslinda tamamen surpriz oldugu icindi. Kemoterapi bittikten en az bir ay sonrasina kadar kafamda sac gormeyi beklemiyordum. Perugu cikarmak icin sabirsizlaniyordum ama tamamen sacsiz bir bas ve kassiz olarak normal hayatima devam edecek kadar cesur degildim. Kendimi oyle gorunce hasta hissetmememe ragmen hasta gibi oluyordum.

Artik perugu cikardim. Ayna yuzeyi gibi her yuzeyde yansimami izlemekten kendimi alamiyorum. Merakli bakislari kucakliyorum. Hic umrumda degil. Guclu hissediyorum, bunun eminim tedaviye de olumlu etkisi vardir.

2 kemoterapi seansim daha var. Gunleri sayiyorum..

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