Anxiety / Kaygi
Anxiety / Kaygi (Turkce altta)
After the 15 minutes I spent crying and thinking in my bed the day I learned about the diagnosis (the 15 min I told you about in my "Diagnosis" post), I was up on my feet ready for whatever comes. I felt strong and ready to fight. It was the beginning of summer, so if chemo allowed I could spend it with friends, relaxing in the sun, finding serenity. I was hopeful and even more joyful than I am in normal life. I was even surprised at myself, I had never loved life that much and felt so positive.
Yes, those were good times.. Then I was through the first 3 months of chemo, the drugs were starting to beat me down. I was feeling worse physically and that physical deprivation brings about these feelings and thoughts of "I am not well, what if the treatment doesn't work, what if the cancer is spreading just now, will I die at this age" You get the picture. I started having sleepless nights with all these going on in my head like a nightmare and after a while I started to feel racing heartbeats and shortness in breath. I knew what was happening. It happened to me before.
Whenever my life changed, this chased. The worst one was when I started working after college. It was lunch break I guess, I collapsed on the table, thinking I was having a heart attack and at first I didn't know what I had to do and then I said ok, this is where I will die and accepted it. It went away 3-4 minutes later. I had minor attacks with shortness of breath in the following weeks but they ended after a while.
The second series started after I got a divorce and moved to a house on my own. I couldn't sleep because my heart was pounding. Whenever I laid down, it was the same. I went to the doctor, they put a Holter monitor on me, ran some tests, everything turned out to be normal. Those went away much later than the first series but since I was well physically, I did not think of getting any other help at the time.
But this time, I was aware that I should go through this treatment period as relaxed and care-free as I can. My oncologist had told me so, far back in the beginning, he even had said it could be ok to see a psychiatrist and use antidepressants whenever I feel I need it. So I went to see a psychiatrist. I told him about the symptoms and that I am worried that this may affect my treatment, and once I think it affects the treatment I get more anxious and it becomes a loop I cannot get out of. He prescribed me an antidepressant that would increase in dosage gradually, and Xanax for sleeping.
It's been more than a month since I started taking them and I feel better already. My nights are much better, I usually don't wake up at all or can go back to sleep easily if I do. I rarely have the pounding heart. And above all I am not obsessing over bad thoughts and put aside my anger and negativity, and even started to feel a little joy.
Cancer is not easy, getting help is ok.
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Teshisimi ilk ogrendigim gun eve gelip yataga yattim, 15 dakika boyunca ("Teshis" baslikli yazimda bahsetmistim) agladim, dusundum. Sonra savasa hazir vaziyette ayaga kalktim, kendimi guclu ve herseye hazirlikli hissediyordum. Yaz basiydi, kemoterapiden halim olursa arkadaslarimla, gunesin altinda dinlenerek ve huzur icinde geciririm diye dusundum. Normal hayatimdakinden daha neseli ve umutluydum. Hayati hic bu kadar sevmemistim ve hic bu kadar pozitif olmamistim; kendime sasiyordum.
Guzel zamanlardi. Kemoterapinin 3. ayi bittiginde ilaclar beni yere sermeye baslamisti. Fiziksel olarak daha kotu hissettigim icin de aklimda "Iyi degilim, ya tedavi ise yaramazsa, ya kanser su anda yayiliyorsa, bu yasta olecek miyim" gibi bir suru dusunce olustu. Geceleri uyuyamiyordum, kabus gibi kafamin icinde donup duruyorlardi. Bir sure sonra kalp carpintisi ve nefes alamama hissi basladi. Ne oldugunu anlamistim, daha once de olmustu.
Ne zaman hayatim degisse hep bu kovaladi. Ilk ve simdiye kadar en kotusu okulu bitirip calismaya basladigimda olmustu. Sanirim ogle arasiydi, kalp krizi gecirdigimi sandim, kafami masanin ustune koydum, ne yapabilirdim, evet bu benim hayatimin sonuydu, buraya kadarmis dedim. 3-4 dakika oylece kaldim, sonra gecti. Ardindan bundan daha az siddetli, nefes alamama hissiyle birlikte gelen ataklar oldu. bir kac hafta sonra gecti.
Ikinci seri bosanip kendi evime tasindiktan sonra basladi. Carpintilar yuzunden uyuyamaz olmustum. Ne zaman yatsam kalbim kulagimdan cikacak gibi oluyordu. Doktora gittim, testler yaptilar, Holter cihazi taktilar, hersey normal cikti. Bu kez bir kac haftada gecmedi, daha uzun surdu, ama fiziksel olarak iyi oldugum icin ustune gitmedim, yardim almadim.
Ama bu kez tedavi surecini rahat ve dertsiz gecirmenin onemli oldugunu biliyordum. En baslarda onkologum ihtiyacim halinde psikiyatriste gitmemin ve antidepresan kullanmamin zarari olmayacagini soylemisti. O nedenle psikiyatriste gittim, semptomlarimi anlattim. Bu kotu hislerin tedavimi etkileyecegini dusundugumu ve ne zaman boyle dusunsem daha da cok endiselendigimi, bunun da iyice icinden cikilmayacak bir dongu haline geldigini soyledim. Dozu gittikce artan bir antidepresan ve geceleri uyuyabilmem icin Xanax verdi.
Kullanmaya baslayali 1 ayi gecti ama simdiden daha iyi hissediyorum. Gecelerim cok daha iyi geciyor, ya hic uyanmiyorum ya da uyansam da tekrar dalabiliyorum. Carpintilarim cok azaldi. Hepsinden onemlisi kotu dusuncelere takilip kalmiyorum, sinirimi ve negatifligimi bir kenara biraktim. Hatta biraz nese bile hissediyorum zaman zaman.
Kanser kolay degil, yardim almakta sorun yok.
After the 15 minutes I spent crying and thinking in my bed the day I learned about the diagnosis (the 15 min I told you about in my "Diagnosis" post), I was up on my feet ready for whatever comes. I felt strong and ready to fight. It was the beginning of summer, so if chemo allowed I could spend it with friends, relaxing in the sun, finding serenity. I was hopeful and even more joyful than I am in normal life. I was even surprised at myself, I had never loved life that much and felt so positive.
Yes, those were good times.. Then I was through the first 3 months of chemo, the drugs were starting to beat me down. I was feeling worse physically and that physical deprivation brings about these feelings and thoughts of "I am not well, what if the treatment doesn't work, what if the cancer is spreading just now, will I die at this age" You get the picture. I started having sleepless nights with all these going on in my head like a nightmare and after a while I started to feel racing heartbeats and shortness in breath. I knew what was happening. It happened to me before.
Whenever my life changed, this chased. The worst one was when I started working after college. It was lunch break I guess, I collapsed on the table, thinking I was having a heart attack and at first I didn't know what I had to do and then I said ok, this is where I will die and accepted it. It went away 3-4 minutes later. I had minor attacks with shortness of breath in the following weeks but they ended after a while.
The second series started after I got a divorce and moved to a house on my own. I couldn't sleep because my heart was pounding. Whenever I laid down, it was the same. I went to the doctor, they put a Holter monitor on me, ran some tests, everything turned out to be normal. Those went away much later than the first series but since I was well physically, I did not think of getting any other help at the time.
But this time, I was aware that I should go through this treatment period as relaxed and care-free as I can. My oncologist had told me so, far back in the beginning, he even had said it could be ok to see a psychiatrist and use antidepressants whenever I feel I need it. So I went to see a psychiatrist. I told him about the symptoms and that I am worried that this may affect my treatment, and once I think it affects the treatment I get more anxious and it becomes a loop I cannot get out of. He prescribed me an antidepressant that would increase in dosage gradually, and Xanax for sleeping.
It's been more than a month since I started taking them and I feel better already. My nights are much better, I usually don't wake up at all or can go back to sleep easily if I do. I rarely have the pounding heart. And above all I am not obsessing over bad thoughts and put aside my anger and negativity, and even started to feel a little joy.
Cancer is not easy, getting help is ok.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teshisimi ilk ogrendigim gun eve gelip yataga yattim, 15 dakika boyunca ("Teshis" baslikli yazimda bahsetmistim) agladim, dusundum. Sonra savasa hazir vaziyette ayaga kalktim, kendimi guclu ve herseye hazirlikli hissediyordum. Yaz basiydi, kemoterapiden halim olursa arkadaslarimla, gunesin altinda dinlenerek ve huzur icinde geciririm diye dusundum. Normal hayatimdakinden daha neseli ve umutluydum. Hayati hic bu kadar sevmemistim ve hic bu kadar pozitif olmamistim; kendime sasiyordum.
Guzel zamanlardi. Kemoterapinin 3. ayi bittiginde ilaclar beni yere sermeye baslamisti. Fiziksel olarak daha kotu hissettigim icin de aklimda "Iyi degilim, ya tedavi ise yaramazsa, ya kanser su anda yayiliyorsa, bu yasta olecek miyim" gibi bir suru dusunce olustu. Geceleri uyuyamiyordum, kabus gibi kafamin icinde donup duruyorlardi. Bir sure sonra kalp carpintisi ve nefes alamama hissi basladi. Ne oldugunu anlamistim, daha once de olmustu.
Ne zaman hayatim degisse hep bu kovaladi. Ilk ve simdiye kadar en kotusu okulu bitirip calismaya basladigimda olmustu. Sanirim ogle arasiydi, kalp krizi gecirdigimi sandim, kafami masanin ustune koydum, ne yapabilirdim, evet bu benim hayatimin sonuydu, buraya kadarmis dedim. 3-4 dakika oylece kaldim, sonra gecti. Ardindan bundan daha az siddetli, nefes alamama hissiyle birlikte gelen ataklar oldu. bir kac hafta sonra gecti.
Ikinci seri bosanip kendi evime tasindiktan sonra basladi. Carpintilar yuzunden uyuyamaz olmustum. Ne zaman yatsam kalbim kulagimdan cikacak gibi oluyordu. Doktora gittim, testler yaptilar, Holter cihazi taktilar, hersey normal cikti. Bu kez bir kac haftada gecmedi, daha uzun surdu, ama fiziksel olarak iyi oldugum icin ustune gitmedim, yardim almadim.
Ama bu kez tedavi surecini rahat ve dertsiz gecirmenin onemli oldugunu biliyordum. En baslarda onkologum ihtiyacim halinde psikiyatriste gitmemin ve antidepresan kullanmamin zarari olmayacagini soylemisti. O nedenle psikiyatriste gittim, semptomlarimi anlattim. Bu kotu hislerin tedavimi etkileyecegini dusundugumu ve ne zaman boyle dusunsem daha da cok endiselendigimi, bunun da iyice icinden cikilmayacak bir dongu haline geldigini soyledim. Dozu gittikce artan bir antidepresan ve geceleri uyuyabilmem icin Xanax verdi.
Kullanmaya baslayali 1 ayi gecti ama simdiden daha iyi hissediyorum. Gecelerim cok daha iyi geciyor, ya hic uyanmiyorum ya da uyansam da tekrar dalabiliyorum. Carpintilarim cok azaldi. Hepsinden onemlisi kotu dusuncelere takilip kalmiyorum, sinirimi ve negatifligimi bir kenara biraktim. Hatta biraz nese bile hissediyorum zaman zaman.
Kanser kolay degil, yardim almakta sorun yok.
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